i wanna play baseball

little m had his first tball game a few days ago.  the beginning of a long road ahead of organized sports.  it made me happy and sad.  he was so excited and loves that his daddy helps out with the team.  m tells d that they need to "go hit the tee some" almost every night.  love that they have that time together especially since d is so busy.  q even gets to go out and walk around since he got over his fear of the grass.  (secretly i wish he still had that fear.  it was much easier going places and him staying a blanket instead of being all over all the time!)  m got to bring snacks, too.  he picked out smarshmallows (or marshmallows as most people call them), gold & black m&ms (team colors) and an oatmeal creme pie.  i made little baseballs to put on the front of the bag and m wrote his name on them all.  "is that an excellent m, mom?"  "yes, maxx, it is perfect."  "is that an excellent a, mom?"...love that kid.

his first hit running to his daddy on first base.

baby q looking not so baby anymore.

"i wanna take our picture, mama."

all of m's faves.

seasons at westminster is approaching quickly!  we put an ad in the women's magazine the newspaper puts out so i hope that we get some exposure that way and that A LOT of people show up.  i am so thankful and happy that my mom joined in on this adventure.  we will get to spend two long, very long days together without kids or husbands.  heaven.  and so thankful to my stepdad (who is more like a dad) who loves my kids as if they were his own flesh and blood and will watch the boys when d can't be there.  he is amazing.

May 11th 9-7 and May 12th 9-3

my mind can't stop thinking about four days from now in which it will mark the 11th anniversary of one of my high school best friend's death.  i still remember the day my dad called to tell me, where i was, who i was with.  i wanted to go see her but he said that they weren't allowing people in to see her because it was getting her worked up.  don't know if he was trying to protect me or if that was really true, but i was going to go down in a day or two and hopefully she would be awake by then.  the next call i got was that she was gone.  april 30, 2001.  my heart broke.  and it still breaks now after all this time.  may 5, 2001 we said goodbye to her.  they played amazing grace.  it couldn't have been more perfect for our friendship.  we used to sing that song together all the time.  we jokingly called ourselves the judds.  how silly it seems now, but i would love to have one second of that time back.  my cousin trent came with me and my boyfriend at the time.  we were seated in the row in front of my ex-boyfriend who had kept me from her and i wanted to strangle him and then myself for allowing it to happen.  i hope you dance was played as we were leaving.  she was wearing a ball cap.  i lost it.  outside i saw a lot of people from the past and i felt like a stranger amongst them all yet we were all there to show our love.  i remember talking to manda and asking her about her child, etc like we had just met up at the grocery store or something.  just like an on/off switch.  i'm afraid if i was totally present 100% of the time i wouldn't have been standing.  i had/have mixed emotions about what happened and the other people involved in the accident that claimed her life.  i wonder what they were feeling, if they were thankful they weren't driving or sitting in the front seat, if there was anything they could have done at the scene to help, if they wish they would have taken the keys away, if they would have not drank that night...and i can't help but wonder if amy would have wished for all those things to and the what ifs.  reality is that two people died.  ryan and amy.  ryan instantly.  amy a few days later.  and everyone hurts.  i'm sorry that their parents have to live through this and that they others involved have to live through it and the effects from it and for everyone else who has an empty spot in their hearts.  like me for her.  she was funny.  she had my sense of humor.  we got each other.  she was the sister i never had.  i miss her.  immensely.  goodness it hurts.



layout from 2007.  it's all i have left of her.